Dear jeans manufacturers:

Y’all, I love jeans. I have dozens of pairs – from deepest indigo to perfectly distressed cornflower, straight leg to boyfriend cut – and I wear them constantly. I hate how my hands, legs and even shoes turn blue after wearing the darkest pairs, and I could do without this trend of making “jeans” in a fabric so stretchy and thin that the wearer might as well be walking around in sheer stockings, or just circling their problem areas with a Sharpie. But my biggest beef with y’all is whiskering.

It’s challenging to find jeans that aren’t just leggings with pockets sewn on, but it’s possible. And it is certainly not easy to find jeans that fit my hips, will button without extreme muffin top or huge gaps at the waist, and don’t suction to my thighs and/or calves. But the task that is the most insurmountable is finding a pair of jeans without bright white lines pointing straight at my crotch.

I’m not talking about the natural fading that happens with frequent washes and wears, and I like a soft, faded pair of denim pants as much – or possibly even more than – the next girl. But what I don’t understand is why it is damn near impossible to find a pair of brand-new jeans that doesn’t have highly unfortunate arrows that simultaneously highlight my lady parts and visually widen my upper thighs, along with a weird faded area on the back side that makes it appear as though I have been twerking against a brick wall.

It doesn’t seem to matter if jeans cost $19.99 or $249, whiskering is virtually unavoidable. Sometimes y’all even “bake” lines into otherwise one-color indigo or white jeans, in what I can only guess is a ploy to drive me slowly insane. I know everyone’s body is different, but I have a hard time believing that there are thousands of women out there who desperately want to make their thighs look wider and draw attention to their hoohas. So please, stop with the whiskering. I’m begging you.

Love,
Jen