I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t address two trends that make me want to gnaw my limbs off. Neither is new, but unfortunately they don’t seem to be going away.

First: Jeggings and/or leggings as pants.

See all these women? Combined, they have about 5 grams of fat. And they STILL don’t look cute. With the exception of Halle Berry who appears to be wearing a perfectly nice dress or tunic over her tights), they look ridiculous.Why? Because they aren’t wearing pants. Or skirts. Or even leotards, ala Lady Gaga. They are wearing tights as pants.

I don’t have a problem with leggings. You just need to wear something OVER them. I don’t want to see your naughty bits. I also have nothing against skinny jeans (not a good look on me, but they work for some people). But putting a zipper and pockets on leggings does not make them pants. It just makes me want to injure people.

Say it with me: Tights are not pants. Don’t even get me started on pajama jeans.

Second: Rompers.

My mom and I were in the dressing room at Anthropologie about a year ago when we heard a girl shriek in horror. Her friend asked her what was wrong.

That cute dress she wanted to try on? It was a romper.

Again: these are all beautiful women with fantastic bodies. And they look like they’re wearing pajamas. Those rompers are doing nothing for them. Why couldn’t they just wear sundresses? Or maybe some shorts with a top that isn’t attached? It isn’t hard.

The long-pants version — the jumpsuit — is even worse. Why would you want to look like a member of an 80s harem with a rectangular body? Why would you not just wear a cute long dress? Why does this hideousness even exist?

If you are thinking about wearing a romper, you just need to ask yourself one question: Am I older than 10?

If the answer is yes, then you shouldn’t wear a romper. It’s that simple.